


It's Better To Have Loved And Lost

by TeamWincestiel27



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Sad, Unrequited Love, angel incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamWincestiel27/pseuds/TeamWincestiel27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Heaven, when an angel gets out of line they need to be reprogrammed, but being reprogrammed can have some lasting effects.</p><p>Or: The story of how Gabriel lost the love of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Better To Have Loved And Lost

The first time it had happened, Gabriel was scared. He didn't know what had happened or why Castiel couldn't remember anything, but he told Cas about what they were, what they did. Slowly, Castiel began to remember small things. A kiss on the cheek here, holding eachother under the shade of a large tree. He shook his head as a particularly vivid memory of two bodies, drenched in sweat, collided under the stars. But that was all he remembered.

"What happened, Cassie? Come on talk to me, you know you can tell me anything, remember?"

"...No." Castiel had replied slowly, thoughtfully. "I don't remember you telling me that. And I don't know why."

Gabriel looked crestfallen and Castiel wasn't sure why he felt the urge to hold onto the other angel so tightly. He reached out and touched the angels face gently, keeping their eyes locked.

"Tell me everything, Gabriel."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The second time it happened, Gabriel began to understand why. Castiel was very vocal with his doubts and the other archangels were not pleased. Gabriel had always been very careful to keep his thoughts to himself and Lucifers fall had been enough of an example for him to keep his mouth shut. He had even gone so far as to request to be stationed on earth as an observer so that the other archangels wouldn't be breathing down his neck all the time.

Castiel had been talking to him about doubts he had. Doubts about their father and about their missions and the motives of the other archangels. Gabriel had tried to calm him down, and pleaded with him to keep it to himself.

"Castiel, please!" he implored and Castiel shot him an insulted look. "Just...not so loudly. You're going to get yourself in trouble if you're not careful."

"I am perfectly capable of handling myself, Gabriel." he said.

Gabriel sighed. "Yes, I know that, but I worry. I don't trust the others."

"What do you think they're going to do to me? I'm their kin, Gabriel, they wouldn't dare lay a hand on me without direct orders from our father."

"I'm not so sure about that." Gabiel said, mostly to himself since Castiel had already started to walk away.

When Castiel was called to receive Revelation the next day, Gabriel became suspicious.  
  
"There's something wrong with this, Castiel, and you know it. Please. Don't go." He looked at Castiel helplessly and grabbed his angels hand in a last attempt to keep him there. Castiel sighed and turned towards Gabriel with a look of pity.

"I know you worry, but I will be fine. I promise." He leaned over and kissed Gabriels lips gently before walking away. He turned back one last time to say, again, "I'll be fine."  
He wasn't.

When Castiel returned Gabriel walked up to him immediately. He was anxious and desperate to know if Castiel was himself.

"Gabriel," Castiel said. "Good to see you again."

That was definitely not his Castiel. He grabbed Castiel by shoulders and turned him so that they were facing. "Brother, what-?"

"Castiel!" he interupted. "I need you to listen to me very carefully." And so, for the second time in as many centuries, Gabriel had to explain to his lover who he was. It took longer this time, but he managed to make Castiel remember nearly everything. He was only missing little pieces here and there. Nothing major. He'd make sure this was the last time this happened to Castiel.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The third time it happened, Gabriel was angry. He was angry at the archangels, at whoever was erasing Castiel's memory, and at Castiel. He had warned Castiel about showing his doubts, about being vocal, but he wouldn't listen. He just kept prattling on about how things were wrong and their father wouldn't do this to them.  
  
"I don't know what's happening to me!" Castiel shouted. "But it we cannot just let these discrepancies continue. Just because we may fear the consequences does not mean we are exempt from doing what is right."  
  
"Castiel I can't keep doing this! I can't keep losing you like this! What if next time I can't make you remember, huh? What then!"  
  
"I'll be on my guard, this time." Castiel said. "I won't let it happen again."  
  
He had gone to confront Raphael. Gabriel waited anxiously for Castiels return, but hours passed and still he had not come. He began to worry that, perhaps, Castiel was in more trouble this time. But what could he do? He was outnumbered by the other archangels and had little chance of staging any kind of rescue. And if the archangels found out that he, too, had doubts about their father and the orders of the archangels there would be no one to help Castiel restore his memories.  
  
He cursed himself silently for being so cowardly and wondered who an angel could pray to for guidance if their father was not listening.  
Two days later, Castiel finally appeared. He was unconcious beneath a tree. Gabriel ran to his side and began inspecting him. He appeared fine and was breathing normally and Gabriel took Casteils head and placed it in his lap. He began stroking Castiels hair gently and Castiel groaned slightly.  
  
"Cassie?" Gabriel asked hesitantly. "Cassie are you alright?"  
  
Castiel groaned again and slowly opened his eyes, blinking in the light of the mid-day sun, and looked at the angel above him. Gabriels breath caught in his throat. He knew instantly what the coldness in Castiels eyes, the emptiness, meant. He would be explaining himself all over again.

And he was so angry. He was so angry his eyes burned and tears streamed down his face. He knew now that neither he nor Castiel were safe and he decided then and there that he and Castiel would run away as soon as his memory was back. He wasn't sure he could do this again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Centuries passed and with each new turn Castiel would be stolen from him. Gabriel lost count how many times. He became tired, but he never gave up. Each time Castiel returned to him he spent hours, at first, then days, then weeks, then months, then years trying help Castiel remember him. Remember what they had. Eventually it got to the point that before Castiel could remember anything truly substantial he would be stolen from Gabriel again.

The constant fighting between his brothers since their father had left, coupled with the fact that his only way to cope had been taken from him, was finally too much for him. The last time he saw Castiel, Castiel had merely glanced at him. No remnant of emotion, merely recogniton. So he left.

For a millennia Gabriel stayed hidden away on earth. He thought that maybe he could forget about Castiel, in time. That one day he might find a new lover and be happy. And for awhile he succeed, bedding various gods goddess and demigods alike, all while under the guise of Loki or the trickster. After waiting a long long time the pain of losing Castiel and the rest of his family began to subside and he grew accustomed to his life on earth.

And then along came the Winchesters. Sam and Dean just one big bundle of "fuck the rules" and they ruined _everything_. The apocalypse would soon come crashing down and they were the ones who were gonna fight it out. Perfect. Only problem being they refused to just get on with it. Insisting on finding another way. It just made Gabriel angry. So when he decided to teach them a lesson the last person he thought he'd see again was Castiel. But there he was. He knew Cas recognized him, but only as his brother: the archangel Gabriel. He didn't dare allow himself to hope that maybe...

No.

He shooed the other angel away like a fly to finish with the Winchesters, but they got the best of him, trapping him in a ring of holy fire. And of course they want to argue about the apocalypse and about all the stupid feel good _crap_ about never killing each other. And of course they won't let him go until he brings Cas back, the last person he wants to see right now, but he does it. He brings him back and looks him straight in the eyes, searching for any sign that it's the Castiel he used to know.

All he see's is anger. Not that he blames him, really, but when Dean turns and walks away from him he walks right by Castiel and Gabriel just barely catches the purposeful brush of fingers and the way Castiel's eyes soften as he turns away. It's such a small gesture, but it sends waves of jealously through Gabriel. He pushes them down.

They turn on the sprinklers to quench the fires of his prison and leave, but Castiel lingers last, leaving him with a long look, and then he knew that Castiel, his beautiful Castiel, had found a new lover. He thought he should probably be angry, but instead he only felt tired. He was glad, at least, that Castiel could finally be happy. Castiel leaves Gabriel alone in the warehouse.  
  
He gave a resigned sigh that somehow turned into a sob. Then a gentle cry. And he could no longer tell the difference between the water from the sprinklers and his own tears.


End file.
